If I am not work, who am I?

Addison Rae once said "Money is everything!". She also said "The world is my oyester, and I'm the only girl". Can these truths work in tandem?

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actor. I scorned everything that had to do with having a “real career”. I turned my nose up at those who said I would starve. My theatrical pursuits and talents were what people knew me for. I had a purpose in the world, or at least in the perilous ecosystem that was my high school, because I could sing, dance and entertain. However, when applying to colleges, I choked and went the liberal arts route instead. The audition process was too intense and I found that many of my peers had more verve and intention to succeed than I did, which made me very insecure. The liberal arts track was ultimately the best choice for me, but the dream still lives inside me, albeit clouded by a lot more pessimism regarding the world as it is today. I have also developed a slight disdain towards the social environment of theatre, which can be as overwhelmingly welcoming as it can be toxically all-consuming. I have no business chasing a pipe dream that will leave me in debt, and possibly mental ruin, for the rest of my days. Not to mention, I pursued a liberal arts degree with the hopes of being able to pursue theatre as a hobby while creating a curriculum for myself that would make me more employable.

The funny thing is, I am at a point in my degree where I feel like I am the farthest thing from employable. I have read many many books and will continue to read more, I have decent fluency in French, I’ve gained more confidence in my writing, and I have had the privilege to explore many facets of the humanities and social sciences. I’ve also become, for lack of a better word, queerer, giving me the opportunity to befriend various types of people and see the world through different lenses. These things could make me emplyable in theory, depending on the field and if DEI is still a thing by the time I’m a seasoned adult. Not to mention, queerness is malleable in the sense that I can easily choose how far to go and when to conform depending on the situation, but that’s a blog post for another day. All of this being said, I am envious of my eighteen-year-old self for having so much confidence in me now that I would have a clearer idea on what I would do with my life. It’s just like Taylor Swift said, “How could a person know everything at eighteen, but nothing at twenty-two?”.

By the time this is published, I will have finished two weeks at a corporate internship in marketing. The adults in my life tell me this will be a wonderful oppportunity because, while it prepares me for a future career, it allows me the space to have a creative outlet in a corporate environment. I do believe them, and I am very grateful for the work experience I will be getting. I also believe they are projecting their desires for my future on to me, and while that can be stressful, I understand it’s because they want me to succeed. It is very tempting to tell all these people “I will not EVER work in marketing if it is the last thing I do!” and saunter off into the sunset, regardless of whether it’s something I enjoy or not. Unfortunately, I am at a point where I have no choice but to keep an open-mind, and the structure of a corporate job is something that could really work for me. I am also in a continuous state of questioning what I actually like, and if I have ever liked anything at all. Of course, there is no perfect field of work, so it’s all a matter of compromise. There’s a part of me that finds comfort in the idea that I could live a financially secure and full life surrounded by my family and friends, regardless of whether I like my job or not. On the other hand, I imagine this comfortable version of myself yearning for what could have been had I been courageous enough to pursue a career in the arts. To add on, it might not even matter what I like as far as my future employment is concerned because considering the political state of the world, it might not be my choice at all.

I don’t want this to be a piece where I totally shit on corporate life. A lot of joy can be found in corporate jobs. However, office environments do not offer an environment that is particularly liberating for the worker as far as creating an autonomous identity. This is something the Apple+ TV show Severance (of which I am currently on my third rewatch) taps into. In theory, a person who is severed has two consciousnesses, but the joy the “innie” finds at work is in one way or the other supposed to make its way to the “outie’s” mind. What ends up happening is that the vessel feels all emotions, just has no recollection of what is causing them when they’re an innie or outie respectively. The show goes to great lengths to portray why severance is not a feasible option as a way to improve work-life balance.

The procedure of severance itself is representative of a deep desire to disconnect your identity from your work entirely. While being mysterious and important, office work can be quite monotonous and unclear. In the show, the characters create new identities that only know work, thus their identities become work. In real life, one disconnects from their identity to focus on the task at hand, and in some cases, appear a certain way in front of your co-workers. We are in an era where, at times, identity is policed and so the idea of creating a new identity for work, who does not have all this baggage, can seem very appealing.

Severance can also be representative of the code-switching minorities have to do at times to appear whiter or straighter in corporate jobs. The goal is always to appear as “normal” as possible. When you are at work, one would assume that things like race, gender and sexual orientation are secondary to the work you are able to produce, but both of these things make up important parts of your identity, and affect how you are treated. I’m not just making a case for the visual parts of your identity. When severed, the innie doesn’t know what the outie’s hobbies or passions are and the outie has no idea, or care for that matter, if the innie has any interest beyond work. It begs the question, are humans only as valuable as what they can produce? Is it worth it to completely neglect yourself to get your bag?

I mentioned in my piece about Paris that I am at an age where I’m not supposed to know anything. While this is true, I have found myself extremely pressured by the adults and institutions that have raised and educated me to know exactly what my life will look like in the next five years. In fact, I have a bone to pick with high school specifically because all messaging students receive in high school related to the future pertains to getting to college. Once you finish college, what do you do? You have to work, of course, you have to live somehow and you can’t do that without money. I just wish that educational institutions gave their students more to aspire to than ways to stay financially afloat. Once again, I am very lucky to have had a very full education in college in which I have been able to pursue writing, literature, french, theatre, and anthropology. In the ideal world, I would be able to live off being a multi-hyphenate artist and scholar, and exist as an eternal student of life. I want to teach English in France, Spain, and Japan. I want to participate in theatrical productions in the middle of nowhere and move around various writers’ communes just to see what happens. I want to join contemporary dance companies, and create collaborative art for and by Latin-Americans. I don’t want to think about my “end goal”. I’d like to think there’s a version of me that will prioritize their creative and intellectual passions, whether they are generators of wealth or not.

In conclusion, I may never be an actor, but I have one more year of college theatre. At the very least, I can find a Rocky Horror Shadowcast or burlesque troupe to mosey my way into postgrad. I may never be a published writer, but I am lucky enough to be born at the same time as Substack, so you all will be hearing from me as long as this platform exists. I may never change the world, but I am still in the very early stages of my life, and you never really know what’s gonna happen. Finally, the world may be ending. The world may have already ended and we may be evidence of the consequences of the end. But, I am alive right now and will be for the forseeable future. I don’t know what I will do for work, or what my endgame will be. I know that I am a real person full of passions and dislikes worth exploring, no matter how long it takes.